I don't want to do this. I don't want to see anybody. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to be held by anybody. I don't want to cry in anybody's arms. I want to be left alone. I don't want to have to explain my situation to anybody. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to do this!!!

Just leave me be. Let me do this. Let me get ahold of myself. Let me heal in my own time. Let me be miserable and deal with this for awhile. Stop telling me what to do.

I hate feeling like I am completely isolated with this. I hate knowing that you are moving on, and I am not. I want you to sit at home with me and have you watch my grief. I hate being left here every morning. I hate having no one....yet I don't even want anyone. I don't mean to push anyone away...I will reach out when I need it. What is so hard to understand about that?

My stomach is in knots. I feel like I am going to throw up. I feel like my insides aren't working correctly. I feel like there is nothing left to me.

How could you put me here? How could you do this to me? How could you have not thought about the consequences to your actions? How could you ever think you were going to receive any sort of gratification through having cyber sex with an internet whore? How could you have an orgasm with me, after having an orgasm with her, and not even think about what you did? How could you have done that and not thrown up?

I am so lost right now. Let me find my way on my own. This is torturing me on the inside.

Today is day 3 since I found out. I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't know what I should do or feel. I don't care about myself anymore. I look horrible. I feel horrible. I can't eat...when I do, it goes right through me and I feel sick. I'm tired.

I want to do this by myself. I don't need anyone. I don't want anyone. I feel completely pressured into talking to someone, and I have no idea what I am even supposed to say. Just when I think that it is impossible for me to cry anymore, I find my eyes welling up with tears. I feel completely lost inside. I feel like I am not worth anything and that is why I was treated the way I was. I just feel broken...and that it would take a miracle to put me back together again.

How can it be so easy for you? How can you heal so quickly? It is not fair. I am still in complete anguish over what has happened and it seems like you are completely over it. I want you to be miserable. I want you to hate yourself. I want you to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself what kind of monster can do what you have done. I want you to look at me and see what you caused. I want you to feel horrible. I want you to be so completely obsessed with your depravity that it consumes you. I hate that you have this new found hope. I want you to be where I am. I don't want to be left in the valley while you go find greener pastures. I want you to wallow in filth.

I hate this. I hate that you put me in this situation. I hate that it was so easy for you to find grace and forgiveness for yourself. I hate that you are able to go about your day and not be completely consumed with what you have done. I hate that I am being made to reach out. I don't want to. I want to heal at my own pace, by myself. I don't even know what to say. How dare you put me in this position.

I don't know what you should do. I don't know how you should handle me. I don't know what I want right now. I don't know what I need right now. I don't know how we can start over and fix our problems. I don't like feeling like you are doing absolutely nothing to try to make me feel any better or different about you. I don't know if there is even a way to do that right now. But I feel like there is no physical effort...even if it isn't going to make a difference, I feel like you should at least be trying to do something.

I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling like I have no control over this situation. I hate that I am being pressured to talk to someone when I am not ready to. I hate fearing that our marriage might be over because of this. I hate knowing that you thought so little of me and our covenant that you were able to continue this kind of relationship. I hate that I have forgotten how to truly laugh. I hate that you think that you have all the answers. I hate that you think you know what is best for me....when that is the complete opposite of the reason why I am in this situation. I hate it when you are away from me because I have no idea what you are doing and who you are doing it with. I hate it when you are here because it is a constant reminder of what you have done. I hate that every time I think I have a grasp on the situation, I seem to start from square one all over again. I hate that I am crying so much. I hate that you put me in this situation. I hate that I can't turn back the clock and stop this before it ever began. I hate that you are inviting people over to my house without my knowledge. I hate that you in all of this, you seem self-righteous. I hate that it seems so easy for you to point the finger at me and what I may or may not be doing and how wrong I am for doing it. Oh how I hate all of this.

Why do you want to save this marriage? You know she's probably right....why would someone who is happy in their marriage turn to an internet whore? Do you want to stay with me because you don't feel like getting another divorce? Do you want to stay with me because of the kids? Are you staying because you love me? Cause I don't feel it at all.

You once told me a very long time ago, that you put 100% into your relationships. What a load of B.S.

You realize that everything you talked about with her is now tainted. I don't ever want you to hike again...since you shared that with her and sent her that picture. I don't ever want to hear the name Napoleon Dynamite. I don't ever want to hear about your bald spot, since you shared that too. I don't ever want to be a part of you cutting your hair. I never want to see another bubble in my entire life. I don't ever want to hear about golfing from you...since that is where you were when I discovered the truth.

I don't know how I can do this. I feel like a zombie. I am tired of you nagging me about calling someone. Let me do what I need to do. I cannot even utter the words about what has happened without completely sobbing...just let me do this on my own time. It's so easy for you to point out to me what I need to do, quit it.

Today I am numb. I am tired of feeling. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of the images in my head. I'm tired of the words that were written by you that are so very present in my head. I'm tired of thinking about it all. I'm tired of living in this farce of a marriage. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of the questioning eyes of my boys when they see that mommy is crying again, and they don't know why. Everything seems so trivial in comparison to what we are going through. I feel bland. I feel like just not caring anymore. I want normalcy back...and that is not going to happen.

I know that God is in control. I know that he is a part of this marriage. But I don't feel like there is much of a marriage left. I am not strong enough to rebuild anything...and for this I have to depend on God.

I fully understand that there are unresolved childhood issues. I know that this is probably the root of all that has happened. But my problem is getting over what you DID. I don't even know what I should feel right now. I would love nothing more than you to just wrap your arms around me and hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, but that is something that I just cannot stomach right now. I know that this is just a symptom of something deeper....but to me, this is an open wound that is just festering. I feel more comfort having read Carrie's emails...but it doesn't change the fact that you cheated on me.

I don't think God has ever been the center of our marriage. And that is why it has so easily been shaken to the point that there is no foundation left standing. You failed in being the Godly steward of our relationship...and look at where it has left us.

I'm so sad. It's like my heart is broken in two. I had such hopes in what our marriage could be. I really thought you loved me enough that this would never happen again. I am distraught. I am in pain. I am alone. I feel worthless. I feel like I am living a nightmare. I never could have imagined you doing this to me and the kids. How am I going to get through each day? How am I going to get myself up out of bed in the morning? I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how I can get over my feelings of hatred and disgust and revulsion and abhorrance when I look at you. I sit here sobbing....sobbing for what I thought our future held and knowing that right now, there is no future. Do I want this to work out? I have no idea. This just keeps going around and around in my head. What do I want to happen? I have no idea.

I want you to feel the pain I feel. I want you to think about how you would feel if you were me. What would you feel if you discovered that I was talking sexually to other men? How would you feel if you knew that was masturbating to the words of a 16 year old boy? How would you feel if I was running off to the office to go chat with him? How would you feel if I tried to cover it all up?

I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't. All I can see is you sitting here, in this very chair, while pumping away on your dick to Stephanie....or we can just call her Steph, after all, it's easier to type, right? Did you rub yourself with your left hand so you can continue typing? Did you spill semen all over your wedding band? Did you tell her how satisfying she was to you?

I am so mad. I don't know where to go right now. I really wish I could know what you were thinking. What was running through your head when you started chatting with her? Why did you seek her out? What compelled you to do what you did? There has to be some answers. I am so tired of hearing the excuse that you didn't know what got into you....that you weren't thinking.....whatever. What compelled you to go to the office the other night? to the office on Saturday? What compelled you to keep talking to her? WHY DAMMIT?!?

I NEED SOME REAL ANSWERS

Why did you lie? Yesterday when Joel asked you how many times you masturbated....you said once. Then last night you said at least 3 times. I am so ashamed to admit you are my husband....I've always thought that I had good judgement. The images won't leave my head. I close my eyes and all I see is you masturbating to your 16 year old. What is wrong with you that you would do this? I just cannot get over it.

I hate myself....I hate myself for being here right now. I hate myself for marrying you in the first place. I hate myself for KNOWING that cheated in the past, cheated on me, and I STILL MARRIED YOU! I am disgusted with myself for ever loving you.

I feel so sick at the thought of you. I feel sick that I could have ever trusted you. I feel sick that when I think back to the time I had in Maine before you got there, that you were here chatting away like a pervert. I feel so upset that you felt that you couldn't tell me your struggles...so I guess this was the fucking alternative????

Anything that happened when you were little was out of your control....but this was. That makes me ill. The fact that you even tried to cover it all up...knowing it was wrong and CONTINUING with it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

You are not the person I thought I married. I have no sympathy for you. I have no idea if I can ever forgive you. I don't know if I am even capable of that level of forgiveness and grace. Because for me to get over this, I need a complete brainwashing of the incident, and I'm thinking that probably isn't going to happen.

I don't even know how to begin right now. I am such a mess. I feel like my spirit has been completely shattered into a million tiny pieces. I cannot believe that you would CHEAT on me AGAIN! How could you look me in the eye and not feel like the lowest scum on the earth? How could you pretend that everything was fine? How could you pick up with me like NOTHING had even changed? How could you do this to me and the kids? How are my boys EVER going to know how to treat a woman with the example that you are showing them? How can I ever get the thought of you sitting at the computer, chatting sexually with a 16 year old girl, while you pleasure yourself, OUT OF MY HEAD? How can our marriage EVER SURVIVE?? How could you tear at my heart the way you have done? How could you even have sex with me after all that you have done? How could you even allude to the fact that you are trying to be a Biblical husband, when you are SO far from that? How could you look your sons straight in the eye and not completely break down? How could you continue speaking to her once we got back here? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you!!!!!!

I feel so betrayed. I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I don't know if I want my marriage to survive this.....so that you can just do it again the moment you get any kind of freedom back? I want to die...the only thing keeping me here is my children. If it were just you and me, I would go so far away from you and never look back. I am distraught. I feel sick. I am so disgusted with you. You sicken me. You make me feel like vomiting. You are such a hypocrite. You are a liar. You are a CHEAT. I guess it's true what they say...once a cheater always a cheater. I cannot believe you would do this to me. I am a mess.

How could you do what you did and still think that you love me? How can you even say that you love the kids? A loving person WOULD NOT do what you did! I am so pissed off right now. I thought to myself this morning, as I heard the kids talking and playing in their room...they have no clue. They have no idea how much their lives have changed....and you can't even imagine how much that saddens and hurts me. How can you even look at yourself in the mirror? How could you even give the boys a kiss this morning....knowing that their entire lives have changed because you love your fucking penis and sexual gratification MORE THAN THEM! Oh, and you were BEGGING for her number. That's great.

Right after you left this morning, I broke down in deep sobs. And you know what....the kids started crying too....how dare you do this to their mommy. How dare you!

You wanna know why I don't want a divorce right now? Because I don't want to admit to anyone, least of all my family, that I made a mistake in ever moving here. The only good thing about me moving here is my children....Nolan, Gideon, and Haddon...just in case you forgot their names as you were jacking off to your slutty girlfriend. They are the ONLY reason I am still here.

I cannot believe you let me move here. I left my entire family for YOU! And what do I get in return? An unfaithful husband, who just seems to keep adding more names onto his list of women. The entire beginning of our relationship is a lie. You know, I remember looking across at you while we drove to get married. I remember thinking to myself...I barely even know this man...yet, I still went through with it! I can't believe I was so stupid.

I cannot even imagine EVER letting you touch me again. The thought of that makes me physically ill. The thought of your hands ever laying a finger on me again is enough to make me nauseaus. I abhor you. I am revolted by you.

How am I supposed to live? Do I pretend that I'm happy? that nothing is wrong? Cause I can't do that. How do I be sincere to my parents without telling them. You know, they think you are a great guy and love you to pieces....this would devastate them. Heck, it is devastating me. But you don't think about things like that. You prefer to be selfish and cheat on your wife, who you say you love oh so much. Whatever. It's just another lie. I don't even know if you are capable of love.

I cannot believe that you could ever rationalize CHEATING! That I would never find out. You know I was scared that this would happen. I remember before I left feeling like something was going to happen. But then I thought to myself....you know, John is so much more grounded in Christ, that he would never do that again. I was so wrong. I can't even call you a believer. But at least now I see you for who you really are.

The weekend that you were hiking, I typed up a long email that I was going to send you. I came to the realization that for our marriage to grow deeper, I needed to lift you up. I needed to examine myself for any kind of issues we were having. Because I can only change myself. So I thought that I should write down a list of things that make you a great father and husband, and I did. But I never sent it. I wanted to fix a few of the things I wrote...and I never got around to it. Then I arrived at Erin's house and thought, heck, I should just send it, so what that it isn't perfectly written. But I could not access my drafts folder in my gmail account on her computer. I wonder if it would have made any kind of a difference....or if it just would have made you feel more guilty while you cheated.

Spurgeon has an interesting quote today: "Satan has no weapons of defense, and so when we resist him, he must flee." What do you think of that? You certainly didn't resist him.

I don't know what is going to happen. I don't even feel like washing my face. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like you have completely devastated my life and there is nothing I can do about it. I am so upset and hurt. I don't even want to look at you....but the only way I can know that you aren't doing something else stupid, is if I have you here. I don't even know why I care.

There is a part of me that loves you....or rather, loves who you were....not necessarily who you are right now. I don't even know you. I don't think I ever knew you. I am not in love with you anymore. I can't be in love with someone who do such an abominable thing to his family. I can't be in love with someone who can do what you did. I can't even believe that you are sorry about it. You were hoping that I would never find out about it. You weren't even going to get any sort of help for this. You were going to just brush it under the carpet and pretend that nothing had ever happened. That is disgusting.

I know that I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. But I would NEVER EVER do this to you or my kids....EVER! I love them too much to break apart their family like this. I would have said that I loved you too much to ever do that to you. Unfortunately, you cannot say the same thing.